PARENTING

 

 PATTERNS OF COMMUNICATION WITHIN THE FAMILY

It is my hope that all of our children will be treated as equals, with the respect that they deserve as fellow human beings.  Too often children are treated like second class citizens, forced to lie about the treatment they receive, and to comply with the rules and dreams of their elders within the constraints of our society.

 Communication advice coming soon, in the meantime enjoy the links below. 

 An author who helped me to see my own truth, and validate my beliefs:

 

An amazing author who speaks candidly on childhood abuse and its effects on future generations and society at large. If you want to uncover your own truth and bring up your own children free of abuse, read her books.

 

Also see The Lie of Honesty and The Blamer under Toxic Communication


You can also build Spiritual Partnerships with all members of the family, don't miss this article!

 

POEM

 

Below is an insightful poem by Author, Trainer and Lecturer Michael Mallows:

Whilst we are all hopefully aware of the damage that physical punishment or abuse can have on our children this poem really sums up the harm we can do to our children by the way we choose to communicate.

Visit Michael's site for information and training opportunities involving personal development, Social Effectiveness Training  and Communication Skills.

http://www.mmallows.co.uk/

 

The Casual Cruelty of Positive Intentions

For every time we raise our voices,
Insisting that you have no choices;
For every unkind thought or word
When you’re just asking to be heard;

For every unheard, silent scream
That underpins low self-esteem;
Each time we call you dumb or slow,
We think that that
will help you grow.


The snide remarks that just slip out,
To fuel and reinforce your doubt;
Our puerile jokes at your expense
Suggesting lack of common sense,
Each time we mock your futile struggle
As others join us in a chuckle,
And say, "How thick, and oh, so slow!”
It’s ‘cause we want to help you grow.


And every well-aimed poisoned arrow
Should keep you on the straight and narrow;
Each barbed and bitchy, witty dart
To pierce and break your yearning heart;
Each look of meanness, every frown,
To close you off and put you down;
Each looming shadow that we throw,
We really think will help you grow.


And if you hear our callous laugh
As you stumble on your path,
Whatever pain it stirs in you,
We hope that something will get through.
We’ll call you weird and make you yelp,
And we hope that you will know
We’re doing all we can to help,
We cut you down to help you grow.


If we should nag or curse and cuss,
So you’ll play less and do your chores,
Reduce the noise and stop the fuss,
Stay on track, complete the course.
Look and listen, let us show
How hard we try to help you grow.


We’ll leave you frightened and entombed
In a cold and lonely cell-like room,
And when your beating heart is calm,
You’ll realise we mean no harm.
You see, we have a master plan,
Although you may not understand.
And, yes, the hours drag too slow,
But...time will pass, and you will grow

For every dusty dream that shatters
Because we just don’t think it matters,
When all your hopes and aspirations,
Have been dismissed with irritation,
We think it kind; you think us foe!
We must insist we did not know!

We can’t stoop down to say we’re sorry,
Admitting doubt, concern or worry.
Or allow these things we mention
to over shadow good intentions.
You ask for ‘Yes’, we’ll answer ‘No!’
In our attempt to help you grow!

So, if you feel hemmed in or trapped,
Sit down, fit in and shut your trap.
If, time to time, you can’t get through,
Think, feel and function like we do!


Don’t make waves or cause commotion,
Or ever show the deep emotion,

Why?Just because we told you so,

That’s all you need to help you grow!


You see, our parents loved us too,
Did all they could to help us through,
Now, it’s our duty; it’s our turn,
We learnt that hurting helps you learn!
And, because we’re older, and we’re wise,
We’re going to cut you down to size.


We were treated in this way,
Which makes us glad (or so we say!)

It didn’t hurt us, not one bit,
Although, at times, we feel like shit,
And if we’ve little self-esteem,
Still, we can blame you when we scream.


And, later, you’ll be glad we did.
When you find you treat your kids
In just the way we treated you,
You’ll know our words and deeds were true.
And you will thank us, looking back,

When you, in turn, snip, snipe and smack
And you will know the way to go,
To help your little monsters grow!

To never ask and never say,
Nor argue back but just obey.
They’ll learn to play these painful Games
To feel ashamed of all their pain.

Then weep in shadows, hide their light
And then we’ll know we got it right!

 

 

Song Lyrics by Alanis Morrisette

 To remind us how not to pressurise our children:

 

PERFECT

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face

Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder

How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet


Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud

I'll live through you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem...why are you crying


Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect

 

More advice on how to communicate coming shortly